Sunday, May 21, 2006

The View From a Flea

The View From a Flea

An announcer is heard on the intercom. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: The flea has entered the building. All things human need to hide. Humans are afraid of this flea because they don’t want “The flea to get onto them. When he leaves, I will come out and announce “The flea has left the building. It is now safe to come out.”

Hidy Doody, you guys.

This is a weekly column about life from the eyes of a flea. I am the 23rd flea, or better known as flea23. My name is Boo, but most people just call me flea23. I am 200000 years old. No commas, please. We’re talking about flea years, not human. When you see the words: "The flea hath entered the room", uttered by the announcer, people usually try to hide. Who wouldn’t? I have a reputation to uphold. I am a flea flicker fresh from the beginning of time. The first flea-flicker’s name was Flip. He was flop-eared you know. He got his name because of the way he flicked all sorts of creatures on the chin with the tip of his shoe in the manner of Bruce Lee. To modern readers, it would be more like Jackie Chan, policeman and all.

Of course you know that a flea flicker flayer is one who battles flea flickers. In the days before time, there was a famous flea flicker flayer named Flick, who led a rebellion and made a massive jail break. Our friend Flip helped put down this rebellion.

Another famous flea flicker was named Flippety Floppety. I am the 23rd generation of that strain of flea-flickers that can trace their ancestry all the way back through Flippety Floppety, to Flip. Now the flea, that’s me, is very educated. I speak for all fleas everywhere, including me. However, since few fleas tell me how I feel, I speak for them anyway. I’m kinda like a politician that way. Or a Federal Judge, speaking for the people when the people don’t ask you to.

The mighty humble flea is evolution at its finest. For those of you who believe in evolution, you can put this under your hat and believe it. While all the other fleas underwent evolution and went from fish to monkey to man, I skipped all that, got myself educated, and wound up here in this column. Nothing is mightier than the flea, and the flea is mighty proud to say that no flea or human alive is more humble than he is.

You have to understand. The Bible says there were giants in the earth in those days. I was there. I know. Evolutionists say there are giants in the earth these days. They say that life began with a tiny organism like a flea. I ask you - How many fleas have you ever seen that wrote a column in the old days?

The flea is usually accompanied by the fly named Shoo, who is always buzzing around. The fly don’t say much. He usually just puts the buzz in the flea’s ear. Also with him is Floo, the Dodo bird. He usually sets up the microphone for the flea. A lot of times he tries to take the microphone and speak himself, but he usually winds up either sticking it in his eye, or swallowing it. At such times, the flea takes his friend to the car wash, waits for the inevitable, disinfects the microphone, and continues. There are times, when the flea just gets a new microphone. Sometimes Floo trips over the cord that leads to the speaker, and the flea is left with nothing to say.

The crew is usually accompanied by Leroy the Lop-Eared Lollapalooza. He is the world’s smartest bird. He lives in the deepest darkest dankest depths of the deepest darkest dankest depths of the Southwest corner of the Northeast sector of the Western portion of the eastern Part of North Central Africa. He is so hard to find, people usually get lost trying to find him. He is so smart, however, that he knows when people are trying to find him, and he shows up in the most unusual places. The trick is, you have to want to find him first. He won’t just come to anyone. He has one long ear that reaches straight down to the earth so he can hear what’s going on in the earth. His other ear reaches straight up to the sky so he can catch the vibes of anything going on in the air. In his spare time, he hangs out with me.

Finally, we are all herded by the wordmaster. He’s not very important. His name is an adjective, so he can’t be capitalized. Like a puppetmaster, he controls his subjects, and tells us all what to say. He almost never speaks for himself.

You can write to me. The address is - Hey, you. What’s the address here?

The announcer is heard to say: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. The flea has left the building. It is now safe to come out of hiding.

The flea hath spoken.

....................... I could not bring my passions from a common spring ..............................

No comments:

Post a Comment