INTRODUCING FLOO

INTRODUCING FLOO

How do you do. My name is Floo. I’m from the breed of a bird that’s a dirty word, in time a by word for dumb. My history is sad, but we’re not all bad, just some of us act like a jerk.

Ladies and gentlemen: Warning: The Floo has entered the room. Class is in session. The waiting room is full. The writing is on the wall. Find a chair and sit on the other side of it.

We come from the breed of Dodo you see, and some of us rhyme all the time. But my pop says he, “Down is history, you’ll find a place if you just stay away from crime”.

He was pretty cool though. He only made one mistake in his life. He robbed a bank on the South side of Yulamatoo and never lived it down. Then he tried an ess cape. Friends, don’t ever try an ess cape. Your ess won’t fare too well. Take it from an old Floo from Yulamatoo. He told me to always beware of people and things that oculd always bring you down.

When I grew up I wanted to be, I tried to be, I mean I tried to be the image of my old man. I hooked up with Boo and Shoo, the fly and the flea of the town. The rest is history you see.

I was flicked for years at kalamazoo by every flea flicker that put on a shoe. Yeah they just wanted to practice. That’s why Dodo birds look like an oversize boot from the back to this very day. Yessir. I was taught a lesson I won’t soon forget. And in a thousand years since, I ain’t been bad yet.

There’s only one thing about the whole affair. I seem to be addled when my feets in the air. Or on the ground, I trip over stuff. Usually myself.

That’s enough about me. Now let’s talk about me. In the mailbag, we have this entry

“Dear Floo

Hire Ewe. Watchee ben upta. Ewe dew Gone. Enuff fer now.

Love,
I B Da Guy”


Dear I. B.

I’m Okay? Hire ewe? I mean how are you? I ben upta eight foot five, but I got over it, now I’m a respectable five foot six. I go on about what? I don’t understand the word Enuff.

Floo


“Dear Floo

Fire Ewe
Love,

I B Da guy”


Dear I. B.

Fewer me Y?

Floo


“Dear Floo

Fewer me, I’d write an advice column. But Fire ewe, I’d write a real column.”

Love, Fleet”


Dear Fleet

If you were me. I mean, Fewer me? Y, I mean why? Can’t I spell or something?

Floo


“Dear Uncle Floo

How did you know it was me? Why don’t you tell the folks the difference between a fleaism and a Flooism?”

Love, Fleet


Dear Fleet

I knew it was Ewe because you signed your name, you dolt!

It’s easy to tell the difference between a fleaism and a flooism. A fleaism is a little mistake. A Flooism is a big mistake. Smare Shoo? Don’t you know?

For instance, a misspelled word could be flea droppings or an extra letter here and there. A whole sentence out of place or extra words is a Flooism. That’s the way to tell. I only make big mistakes. Why do they call you Fleet?

Uncle Floo (Now you got me doin it)


“Dear Uncle Floo

Don’t ask.

Love, Fleet”


“Dear Floo,

What do you think about the cowboys?

Disenchanted in Dallas”


Dear Dallas

Well, first you have to be enchanted in order to be disenchanted in or to be dis. Dis means to be against or to be opposite of, or to not like. Say, as in to disrespect. So in order to disenchant, you have to have been enchanted in the first place. Enchant means to put a spell upon. Do you really mean to say that you are against having a spell put upon you? Is that fair? Why would you want to break a spell like that? But I digress.

So the cowboys put a spell on you. Do you realize, young lady that the cowboys never put a spell on anybody, especially me. They did put a spell on their horses, though. I mean, what horse in their right mind would want a cowboy to ride them? If I were a horse, I’d want a horseboy to ride me. That’s what I think about the cowboys. Why did the cowboys only ride horses? Now THAT is the question of the age.

Floo