Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Shoo Fly

Shoo Fly

“How do you do? My name is Shoo”. These words used to strike terror in the hearts of people everywhere, back before the days of evolution. I’ve now been rehabil, rehabili, re bit tated. Now I’m just a fly willing to try another pie and help good and evil everywhere I go.

Oops. I mean good and will. Well.......that don’t sound right either. Anyhow, I’m a good fly now.

Have you ever seen a red headed fly? Well, neither have I, because I am that fly. Jest before the days of evolution they wrote a song about me. It goes something like this: “Shoo fly, don’t bother me”. Well, it don’t translate today what it was translated then. It was a song about how good and brave and heroic, and good lookin, and....... Oh, well, excuse me, I got carried away. Anyway it was a song about how I saved the life of a pretty fly named Pauline. She had plenty of perils, you see. Or pearls. I forgot which.

Yessir, I was a National Hero. They named a state after me and everything. Then they started singing this song. The first thing anybody knew, I was flying to get away from the adoring crowds. This gave birth to the expression, “Have you seen a Red Headed Fly”? Nowadays people forget that expression. All they remember is “Shoo Fly, don’t bother me”. The original translation is “Shoo Fly, where can you be”?

I am the over prescribed, er, I mean, self ascribed ointment for what ails you. Oops. I mean the most described ailment for what’s bothering you. People might yell out, “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup”! That’s my work of course. It’s all in perspective. Some flies really like their soup. How lwould you like to be taking a soup bath and all of a sudden look up to see a big brainless human about to eat you, wings and all.

I’m not going to mention the fact that the best way to eat a fly is to remove the wings first. Then dip them in Cajun seasoning seasoning and flour, deep fry for two to three seconds. Ooh, la la. Wait! What am I doing? Forget I said that. I didn’t say that. I’m not a Hannibal. I swear. Explain to my In-laws, please. I didn’t do that to her.I’ve never done such a thing! You gotta believe me! I couldnt’ eat the little chillen’s. The olden’s either!

Okay, let’s forget about that. It’s time we sang our theme song. “Fly’s in the buttermilk, Shoo, fly, shoo. Fly’s in the buttermilk, Shoo, fly Shoo”. Give someone else a turn now.

We have time for a trip to the mailbag.

Dear Shoo:

Aren’t flies supposed to carry germs”?

Signed Upset

Dear Upset

No dear child. Flies carry eggs that hatch and breed more flies. .We do not carry germs anywhere.. We are not a Taxi service. You must understand something - Have you ever seen a talking fly? A red headed, talking fly? That’s because we by-passed evolution like the flea. You see, most flies do not even have hair, you doofus. The Red Headed flies of my generation don’t’ have a brain, but we do have hair. Get it?

Now I’m Upset.

Shoo Fly

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