Friday, May 26, 2006

Notes From The Flea

Hear ye, hear ye: The flea hath entered the room. You humans can go hide now. We’ll wait. Pandemonium ensues as the people run screaming trying to find a place to hide. Fear is rampant as they fall over each other trying to get out of sight before the flea sees them. This is ironic, because the flea is a mighty humble flea. He is probably the most humble flea in the world. He’d be the first one to tell you. Floo, the big dumb bird that he is, introduces the subject for the day. Listen now, while the flea speaks:“I B da flea from the sea, now on a chimpanzee yo see in history for you and me to be on the tree of humanity for all to see. That’s me, over on the left. Now the flea is a teacher, er, a nauthor, for all to see. The flea loves to play with words. For example, take the word cogitate. Take it, somewhere, not here. It means to think. Someone who sits and thinks is said to be in cogitation or in a cogitative state. Someone who does not like to sit and think, but prefers to do something else is said to be anticogitational. Someone who has tendencies to do other things besides sit and think from time to time have are anticogitationalists. The plural form is anticogitationalism. Those who suffer from this disease (yes, it is a disease), have symptoms called anticogitationalisticisms. Go see a doctor.

What is a short snore? A snort. Kawasaki KemosabeWhat is a Kawasaki? A motorcycle. What is a kemosabe? Well, what does Tonto call his friend the Lone Ranger? Friend. So Kawasaki Kemosabe means motorcycle friend.

The flea is a dealer in humorosity. Thick like oil, and therapeutic like a medicine. Maybe off the wall, or even on the wall, but always in good taste like Brer Bear, always a lumbalin along.

There is a difference between overwhelmed, underwhelmed, and just whelmed.

1. The flea is the penultimate in evolution. He is descended from Bigfoot. If men came from monkey, there would have to be the white monkey, the black monkey, the yellow monkey, and the blue monkey.

2. If monkey came from fish, there would have to be the white fish, the black fish, the yellow fish, and the blue fish.

3. It’s easier to say man came form mud. At least in mud, you have white mud, black mud, yellow mud, and blue mud.

Global warming:

Don’t even get the flea started.In my younger days, I could sound just like Will Rogers. Watch this: “I never met a man I didn’t like”. There. See. Sounded just like him.I can sing just like Rex Allen, just listen: “In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, in the trail of the Lonesome Pines”. See. Told ya. I can do comedy just like Robin Williams. Watch: “Nano, Nano.” Just like that. Sounds just like him. Can’t you tell?Here’s John Wayne and Robin Williams at the same time: “Nano nano, pilgrim” What do ya think? Here’s James Stewart: “I, I, I, I, I, I, I”. See. If there’s not eight of them, it’s not just like him. Shazbot, there was only seven. Here, let me try it again. Please. I can do it, I promise. The flea can do a real mean Jerry Lewis. Listen: “Heyyyyy LAAAAAAddeee. Did you hear it? Sounded just like him, didn’t it?See what I mean? Back then they had stupid dinosaurs. Now they have a smart flea, that writes a column.

Evolutionists say that life starts small and gets bigger. I’m telling you that life starts big and gets smaller. Why do you think they call them babies? If Evolution were true, why doesn’t the Bible talk about Pygmies, Dwarves, and other short people? I ask you, why does the Bible talk about 15 foot giants? His name was Og. Look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls Bible Dictionary. Anyway, you have me: The perfect evolutionary miracle - The mighty humble flea.

I had to have a column, you see, because there are 22 generations of fleas ahead of me. There’s no telling how many will come after me. With that many mouths to feed, I have to do something. I have to keep humans in line you know, so they have asked me to give a flea’s perspective. In order to do that, I guess I’d better state my credentials. I am a toothless old coot that don’t bite. At least that’s what they tell me. But I can still flick. I don’t know what a coot is. If you see one, catch it and let me see what it looks like. If a coot is something I’m supposed to do, I suppose I do it very well, otherwise the humans wouldn’t call me an old one.

The flea is a red flea (because of a heavy Indian Blood Line - IBL for short) with a mustache. He can’t grow a full beard. You should be glad. You wouldn’t want to see a flea with a full beard. They’re scary enough the way it is.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: The flea has left the building. It is now safe to come out of hiding.

................................I could not bring my passions from a common spring............................................


  1. Nice to see someone mention Brer Bear. He doesn't get enough good press. Besides, Brer is a nice Southern style term that no one uses much these days although my brother often calls his younger brother Brer Randy!!